Good evening. I am Brett. Welcome to this restroom. I take great pride in its appearance and in the wide variety of toiletries you see displayed elegantly across the granite countertop before you.
You are not making eye contact with me or returning my greeting so I can only assume that you are here for some very urgent business. That's quite alright. I see this in my line of work. I will not keep you.
I believe stall number three is available and does not have a neighbor at this time. Stall three can accommodate wheelchairs and is a little roomier than the rest - you will find it quite comfortable. And clean. I see to that every 45 minutes to an hour, my friend.
Before you enter, may I offer you some reading material? I have the latest issues of...oh, alright then. I see you've closed the door. It will be my pleasure to now whistle loudly enough to obscure your bathroom noises from the other patrons here, but not so loudly as to be a distraction from your intended purpose.
Welcome back from the battlefield. Ha ha. That's my little joke. Truly, however, I am glad you've come out unharmed. Brett was concerned for a brief but meaningful period of time for your safety.
May I interest you in a breath mint? I do not mean to say that you need one, my friend. People do not realize this about Brett, but I notice things. For example, I notice that there is not a ring on your finger and I wonder if your evening would be enhanced by some mouthwash or a treatment of body spray. Of course I am happy to provide either from my collection.
I have stepped silently into your blind spot as you wash your hands for one very important reason. I would like to provide you with this dry and flat paper towel for your convenience. Please take it from my hand when you are ready. There is no rush. I will also be happy to dry your hands for you if that is what you require. I am at your service.
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. When you removed the dry and flat paper towel from my hand, I quickly replaced it with another - just as dry and every bit as flat as the first. Please, use as many as you need. It is my pleasure to provide you with these paper towels.
I realize that picking up paper towels from a pile two feet away from your own hand is a difficult and arduous task, but I am happy to provide you with this service without ever being asked to do so. I am also happy to take your discarded towels and deposit them in the trash for your convenience.
Nothing would bring me greater joy than to see you leave this room with comfortably evacuated bowels and clean, dry hands. I believe we have satisfied both of those requirements. I wonder if you might consider that justification enough for leaving a small token of your appreciation in the tip jar conveniently located within your line of vision as you make your way toward the exit.
Either way, it was a pleasure serving you this evening. I hope to welcome you again soon. Also, something about web hosting.
Simon Says... (Written by CEO Simon Anderson!)
I want to do a shout out this month to all our customers that hail from Boston, Washington DC and Virginia, especially those who came out for our Reach Out and Touch You events in July and August. What a brainiac crowd you all are! I met folks who were growing awesome fashion and theatre company blogs, some NASA and MIT scientists who use DreamHost for obscure experimentation, even foreign correspondents who were breaking world news through their sites. There were also quite a few guys and gals who, when asked, refused to tell me what they do or who they work for...hmmm...but it was all good. Our team really enjoyed getting to know you all and losing to you at Rock Band or retro pinball.
Some big news hot off the press is that DreamHost has been elected to put a representative on the Board of the first OpenStack Foundation. Nope, this is not a gathering of people who love defragmented pancakes - OpenStack is the open source cloud platform that we've supported and contributed to for over a year, and we're building our new cloud compute service on it. We are kind of in lust with any open source software that makes the web work better for developers, content creators and entrepreneurs. So go OpenStack!
(Now back to Brett!)
Affiliates Just Got Richer
We've got an affiliate program. It's kind of great.
Every time one of your friends, family, or "others" signs up for hosting with DreamHost, we pay you $97.
It's a pretty easy concept to wrap your head around. You do somethin' for us, we do somethin' for you, everybody's happy, and the cops never need to know.
That $97 is but a small token of our appreciation for your efforts.
Perhaps too small.
See, we've been doing some thinking. About you - specifically. We realized that if we were going to put a price on this friendship, two digits was simply not enough.
Effective immediately, we've bumped that $97 payment up to $110!
Every new customer that you refer through our affiliate program between now and September 17th will net you a cool $110.
Be sure to acquaint yourself with the official terms and conditions and pay close attention to the "linking directions" to make sure you get what's comin' to ya.
You might be surprised to learn just how many of our affiliates are getting four and five digit checks from us every month. I want to live in their houses, wear their clothes, and tell people how hard I don't work all day.
Clouds Are Parting
Last month we teased you about an upcoming cloud storage product that we've been working on for quite a while.
We didn't reveal very much info at the time because we were being strategically cagey about its capabilities. Strategic.
Things are still cookin' behind the scenes, so this month we're pinching out a little more info into the slowly filling bowl of public knowledge.
Unlike many of our competitors, DreamHost was founded by software developers. Software development is in our DNA, and our upcoming object-based cloud storage service was built with developers in mind.
Our API will be compatible with both Amazon S3 *and* OpenStack Object Storage. That's right. DreamHost VS Amazon. FIGHT!
(spoiler: DreamHost Wins! They have Kindles, but we've got heart.)
Our Pay-As-You-Go pricing will ensure that you're never paying more than you need. That's value, brother.
Data stored within our cloud will be highly portable - you'll be able to seamlessly move your data in and out of any API-compatible services. If you want to take your ball and go home it's easy to do exactly that. In fact, do it! We'll be here when you come to your senses, Dummy.
If you'd like to be notified when our cloud storage...ergh..."solution" finally hits the scene, drop your email in the box over at...
The DreamHost Reach Out & Touch You Tour has been such a huge success that we are finding it very, very hard to stop touching people.
It's been so difficult that we felt compelled to add an additional stop on our tour in Washington, D.C. earlier this month, and have just added two MORE cities to our lineup.
I'm happy to report that we'll be in San Diego August 28th and Las Vegas September 18th.
This is your chance to come and share drinks, appetizers, and stimulating conversation with key members of the DreamHost crew. So far we've been deeply touched by your words, lightly brushed by your hands, and in the case of that one guy, snagged on a hook.
We're still narrowing in on the exact venue for each city, but the dates and times are set in stone. FREE tickets are now available.
These things fill up quickly, so if you're in or around San Diego's Gaslamp Quarter or are anywhere near the Las Vegas strip, we'd recommend claiming your tickets RIGHT NOW.
Live Chat Is Here To Stay
If you've added the Premium Support option to your account, *or* if you've got a Dedicated server on your account, you may have taken advantage of our "Live Chat" option for receiving technical support in the past.
If you haven't, just imagine getting immediate technical support with no email and no phone call. Just straight up, hardcore chat with lonely guys and girls who can't wait to talk to you. 24/7. All night long. It's really good. I tried it once, and you could say my problem was solved.
Live Chat has been sporadically available over the last few weeks because, honestly, you guys love to talk. At launch, our goal was to provide the same high quality of service via chat that we do over email, and it became clear that we simply weren't staffed to do that.
It got to the point where we would need to completely disable the chat option from time to time to prevent you fine folks from dealing with ridiculous wait times. It was fun for no one.
The good news is that we believe those hurdles are behind us. We've staffed up, we've trained up, and we're ready to chat you up, day or night.
Live Chat has now been re-enabled *permanently*. In fact we have no plans to disable the chat option ever again!
To add the Premium Support option to your DreamHost account (which also includes three phone callbacks per month!) just click the "Phone Callback / Live Chat" checkbox when submitting your next support request to get started!
The crew staffing our chat service is the exact same group of friendlies that answer your emails. They're empowered, they're helpful, and they're guaranteed to be human.
DreamHost WTF: Unlimited Email Addresses
What's That Feature? It's Unlimited Email Addresses!
How many email addresses are you using right now on your DreamHost account? One? Two? Five? Pffft. Amateur!
You may not realize this, but you can go nuts and create as many as you'd like, whenever you'd like.
The only limit...IS YOUR IMAGINATION!
Okay, that was the cue for a glitter explosion from the ceiling. Not sure why that didn't actually go off. I'll check that later.
Give them to friends! firstname.lastname@example.org
Give them to family! email@example.com
Give them to people you meet in bars so they'll get off your back! firstname.lastname@example.org
Creating new addresses is quick and easy. Just visit the "Mail/Manage Email" section of your account control panel to get started.
You don't have to limit yourself to traditional addresses, either. You can create addresses that just forward to other addresses, too! (We call those "aliases" in the biz.)
So there you go. Unlimited email addresses.
Oh right, NOW the glitter happens? Figures.
The DreamHost Site Of The Month is a coveted title reserved for a select few DreamHost customers. Winners from the past will be winners forever.
As voted by you, the winners from JULY are as follows...
Congrat's guy's! Your the best!
When I need a lamp that looks like it might electrocute me, I now know where to go.
We'd give you a gold star, but you've already got a pink and purple one!
Remember, you can always click through to the DreamHost Site Of The Month section of your account control panel at any time to submit your site, vote on candidates, and view all winners past and present. (Winners appear in bold.)
Nice work, everyone!
See ya next month!
See ya next month!
P.S. - If you do not appreciate a little help in the bathroom from time to time and/or just CAN'T STAND learning about new features, you may unsubscribe from this newsletter now: