Mapril? So what? It's March and April! Combined!
You're arguing semantics with me?! We have bigger problems right now!
Look we don't have a whole lot of time and those people...those THINGS are still out there. I don't know where they're coming from or why there's so many of them all of a sudden, but once we lost power and the radio stations went off the air I knew it was bad.
Back at the reservoir I saw one take a bite out of Simon's arm. Before I could run over to help him a bunch more showed up and chewed his arm clean off his body! I knew Simon was a goner right then, and I didn't want to leave him behind, honest I didn't! It's just that those things kept coming and I had no choice, man! There was so much blood everywhere and they were all over the place moanin' and shufflin' and headed toward ME, so I HAD to leave him back there or I wouldn't be here now.
I had to!
Shut up alright!? Just SHUT UP! Those things have ears like radar dishes! They hear you crying and carrying on like this and they're just gonna throw themselves against those doors even harder. Hell, I'll throw you right at them if you screw this up for us; don't think I won't!
Calm down and let me think a minute. I just need to think. We got any water left? Any more powerbars?
You and me - we need to lay low right now. I've got this sawed-off but I'm down to my last five shells. You see any more ammo boxes around here, you let me know. I already swept the sporting goods department so I think this is probably it.
Here, take this crowbar. I'll hang on to the bat.
Now you listen and you listen good - only thing that works on these monsters is if you hit 'em in the brain. Not the head - the brain. You got that? The brain's like the off switch for these things, so don't waste time hacking around - just aim for the head, move on to the next one.
Any one of those things bites you, you let me know right away, alright? Big bite, small bite, doesn't matter. You tell me. And don't lie - I can tell when people lie to me. You want to live? Stick with me and...hold on.
Hold on just a minute.
You hear that?
I don't hear them scratching anymore.
Are they...are they still out there? The windows are still boarded up and the front doors are...
BEHIND YOU! They must have come in the back door! I thought I told you to close that friggin' thing when we got here! Cover your ears and... GET DOWN!
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD this is it! They've got all the exits covered and I'm down to four shells. QUICK, run for the stairs! Maybe we can make it to the roof and lock 'em in! GO GO GO!
Grab that box of powerbars, there should be some rainwater up on the roof. What are you standing around for? Here they come! MOVE!
GET UP THOSE STAIRS!
GO GO GO GO GO!
Don't stop now, this is 3! We've got 12 more floors to go! DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME NOW!
Hey, you got a family? No kiddin'! If we make it outta this alive maybe I'll help you track them down. You seem like a decent person and it's not like I've got anything better to do.
I had a family. Yesterday.
GAH! They're getting closer! You hear that? There must be at least twenty of 'em on the stairs and they're getting a whole lot louder! KEEP MOVING!
Finally, the roof! Grab that chain and loop it through the door handles! That oughtta keep them out of our hair until we can figure out our next move and...
Oh boy. You're not going to believe this.
It's the DreamHost chopper!
This is crazy. How did they know... How did DreamHost...OH GOD THEY BROKE THROUGH THE DOOR! GET TO THE CHOPPER! RUN!!!
Can you fly this thing? No? Jeez man, I watched a few YouTube videos a few months ago, but I'll see if...HURRY, GET IN AND CLOSE THE DOOR!
Let's see, keys, fuel, yep it's all here! I just have to crank this thing here, turn this dial over here, push this thing here and...and...
That's it! Ha ha! We're airborne! We're airbone! Haha!!! Hahaha!!
Holy cow. Holy cow. Look at them all down there! I can't even believe this is happening right now! I never thought we'd make it outta there, but DreamHost came through for us. Amazing! Just amazing.
Ha! This is absolutely incredible. Good ol' DreamHost. We're saved! Can you believe this? Saved! Check it out - we're flying through the *clouds*, courtesy of DreamHost! Best hosting company ever.
I'm sorry, man, it was pretty crazy back in there. You know, I didn't even get your name. I'm BRAHHHHHHHHOWWW MAN! What the! You bit me!?
Simon Says... (Written by CEO Simon Anderson!)
The future is open, and it's now! That was the cry from more than 2,800 developers and cloud business peeps at the OpenStack Summit in Portland last week where DreamHost demo'd our new cloud computing service, DreamCompute!
Network World even recognized DreamCompute for being one of OpenStack's hottest products right now, and we're still only in preview!
If you're not familiar with OpenStack, it's a fast growing open source cloud computing platform that we believe will become the software of choice for companies all over the world wanting to offer cloud computing services. DreamHost has become a major contributor of code and community input to make it better. We were one of the top 10 code contributors in the last release, and we play a big role in the management of the OpenStack Foundation as Gold members - and with me as an elected Director since inception!
Mark McClain, one of our awesome Cloud developers, was also recently appointed project team lead for the OpenStack Networking project, and Doug Hellmann our senior Cloud Developer was instrumental in developing Cielometer, the metering and measurement software for OpenStack.
So why is this important? Well it's part of our investment in the future to bring you Web Hosting and new Cloud Services as you've never experienced them before - affordable, open, flexible, with integrated apps that you love, all backed by our Super Support team. And it's a way for us to show all those behemoths of industry that like-minded companies working together to build new products and platforms can accelerate innovation, and empower all of you entrepreneurs and developers to create the future on the Web.
Almost brings me to tears of joy! Except I have to deal with Brett everyday...
(Now back to Brett!)
DreamObjects - Super Cheap!
Web-based object storage was popularized by Amazon but democratized by DreamHost. DreamObjects is to S3 what freedom was to Hitler. Yeah, I said it.
We undercut the big guys early on with storage and transfer rates of just $0.07 per GB. But we realized pretty quickly that that pricing is just straight-up CRAZY. Who would pay SO MUCH?
To goose things along we've done something recently that defies all logic and established business sense. We've lowered the price on DreamObjects even further!
Now, for a limited time, when you add DreamObjects to your account, you'll receive discounted pricing of just $0.03 per GB per month for both storage and outbound data transfer.
And that pricing? It'll remain in effect for-ev-er!
If you don't yet have DreamObjects on your account, you can add it right now with just a few clicks and begin receiving this discounted pricing immediately!
If you've already added DreamObjects to your account, just contact our support team for the hookup! If you're one of the first 1,000 to get your foot in the door, we'll get you squared away in no time!
If you miss that magical window, don't worry! The next 1,000 customers will still see reduced pricing of just $0.04 per GB - that's still a great deal and honestly not one of the smartest things we've ever done!
If you miss out on both offers, well, maybe you should follow us on Facebook and Twitter! We announced this special pricing there a long time ago!
CloudFlare Railgun - FREE!
Just when we didn't think that the web could get any faster, CloudFlare came along and continues to make it so.
CloudFlare is, of course, the free website performance and security company that speeds delivery and protects websites in mere seconds with NO technical knowledge required.
In less technical terms, they lube tubes to soothe noobs.
We offer CloudFlare's services in both free and paid flavors, both of which are equally amazing, and both of which now include access to RAILGUN!
CloudFlare's distributed network can deliver your sites, on average, TWICE as fast as those that are less-endowed. Add Railgun into the mix and you'll see, on average, a 143% improvement in HTML load times, a 50% decrease in dynamic content bandwidth usage, and a 90% decrease in time to first byte (TTFB) responses.
That is not a typo. Railgun is a revolution.
Railgun is not enabled on CloudFlare-enabled domains by default. To get started, simply visit the "Manage Domains" section of your account control panel:
Click to "edit" the hosting service for any of your fully-hosted domains. You'll find checkboxes to enable both CloudFlare (free or paid!) and Railgun too!
DreamCon Sessions and Speakers Announced!
Tickets to DreamCon, the very first OFFICIAL DreamHost user conference, are selling out faster than we can chop down electronic trees to print them on!
We've just announced the complete conference agenda, complete with speakers and briefs! (Not the underpants kind.)
Take advantage of our early bird pricing now to get in on four solid programming tracks spread over two intense days! Discounted pricing is available through May 31st, so get in now!
DreamCon makes its debut this August, full of classes taught by DreamHost employees (and partners!) to help you get the most out of your DreamHost experience. It'll take place mere minutes from the DreamHost offices (as the elevator flies) in Los Angeles.
Over the next few weeks DreamCon's speakers will be posting previews of their talks over at DreamScape to get you excited about what we've got planned!
I really can't wait until August. The anticipation is killing me.
Denver & Atlanta - DON'T GO ANYWHERE. We're Coming!
We'll be hosting FREE cocktail party meet-and-greets for ALL DreamHost customers in Denver and Atlanta this year!
You may recall we did quite a few of these throughout 2012 across the United States in our now-legendary "Reach Out & Touch You" Tour.
We somehow made it through all NINE of those events without any hospitalizations, lawsuits, or drycleaning bills to cover. So...yay?
By popular demand, we've brought "Reach Out & Touch You" BACK for 2013 in a very limited engagement - just two cities! But, if we're being honest, they were the two most VOCAL cities who did not get selected for last year's tour!
What can we say? The squeaky wheel gets the grease!
So...you squeakers better show up. So we can grease you up.
I'll be there! Simon, our CEO will be there! Reps from tech support, software development, and other key DreamHost staff will all be there to make your Touching experience...a touching one.
This is your chance to meet the people who help make DreamHost happen - in person - over stomach-filling light appetizers and silence-filling adult drinks.
This is an opportunity for you to give us your honest opinions and feedback about the overall DreamHost experience! Let us know what's working for you - and what we could be doing better.
To our FACES, tough guy!
If you've not heard the news, a whole slew of NEW Top Level Domains (TLDs) are coming your way later this year.
What's that mean? Whelp, ".com" is a TLD. ".TV" is a TLD. There's a lot of TLD options out there already, but that pool of options is about to get much, much larger. As many as 1,000 new TLDs could be introduced every YEAR, causing the venerable and overpopulated ".com" registry to lose a bit of its luster.
With SO MANY new TLDs floating down the river in the weeks and months to come, how will you be able to keep tabs on them all? Easy! You can set up a Domain Watchlist on your account control panel and be notified INSTANTLY when your domain of choice comes up for registration.
You can set up a list of domains (ex: sierra.online), or simply of TLDs themselves (ex: *.online) and be notified when either becomes available to ensure you get first crack at registration.
This is great news for...
OCEANOGRAPHERS WHO CANNOT SPELL!
PERVERTS WITH BROKEN G KEYS!
The possibilities are endless!
This is really a big, big change. What has lain beyond that period at the end of domain names has been mostly untouchable. For years.
The good news is that we're all going to experience The Change together, and our new life after the period promises to be just as fulfilling and wonderful as anything that's ever come before it.
And, as a reminder, separate from any *registration* fees, you can *host* an UNLIMITED number of domains (of any type!) across any of our hosted services at no extra charge.
Sign up for the new TLD watchlist today!
Signing up for the new TLD watchlist doesn't cost anything and you are in no way obligated to register ANY of the domains that you're watching.
It's just a free notification service, pure and simple.
PHP 5.4 Now Available!
Web developers! Yeah, you guys. I've got some good news!
Hey, could you guys just take your headphones off when I talk to you? Please? You know I hate when you do that. Thanks.
We've just made PHP 5.4 available to all fully hosted domains!
In addition to the giant pile of bugfixes that accompanies every PHP refresh, 5.4 has also shown itself to be a fair bit faster than earlier versions in certain situations.
To set yourself up with 5.4, simply visit the "Manage Domains" section of your account control panel:
Click to "edit" the hosting service for any of your fully-hosted domains, and select either "PHP 5.4" or "PHP 5.4 with FastCGI". A short while later, you'll be in business!
We've updated PHP as a direct result of customer feedback. I mean, sure, we had always *planned* to offer 5.4. Eventually.
Your direct feedback is what pushed it up on the priority list for us!
Democracy in action!
If you'd like us to take a good look at improving any other parts of the DreamHost experience, be sure to visit the "Suggestions" section of the DreamHost Discussion Forum to make your voice heard!
Then just kick back, relax, and let our engineers do your bidding.
That's why we pay them!
DreamHost WTF: Login History
What's That Feature? It's your web panel's Login History!
Your DreamHost account is doing strange things, and to the best of your knowledge, you've initiated none of it.
Something is askew.
Things are amiss.
You suspect foul play.
You're not sure, but you suspect that a former business partner, absent web designer, or estranged lover is up to no good.
I'm not judging you, but jeesh. You hang out with some vengeful people, Bro.
There is a chance that your enemies have chosen to use YOUR DreamHost account as a battlefield to settle some scores. If only there were some way for you to know for sure.
Visit the "Security" section of your account control panel:
Scroll down to the list of "Active Sessions" and you'll see a list of all successful and active logins made to your DreamHost control panel, complete with timestamps, IP addresses, and browsers used. As long as those sessions have not been "logged out," they'll appear in that list!
If you see any entries in that listing that are NOT you, things just got real. You ready for the next steps? You sure? You don't look sure.
Take a deep breath. Ready? Okay.
The good news is that you can change your password right away from the exact same location. Calm down, scroll up, and submit the form. Easy.
The even BETTER news is that you can enable multifactor authentication from the same place to REALLY lock down access to your control panel.
And, in fact, we recommend that you do - immediately, before you ever have to deal with any of this drama in the first place.
The DreamHost Site Of The Month is a coveted title reserved for a select few DreamHost customers who have blown your collective minds with their own creativity, panache, and flair.
As voted by you, the winners are...
This is aggregreat!
That is a very long description!
Remember, you can always click through to the DreamHost Site Of The Month section of your account control panel at any time to submit your site, vote on candidates, and view all winners past and present. (Winners appear in bold.)
Nice work, everyone!
See ya next month!
P.S. - I trusted you! Unsubscribe now before I infect others. PLEASE!